Opportunity: Anxiety

Today's advice was requested by a young man from the U.S. who we'll refer to henceforth as L. L asks:

"Hey, i need some advice. i don't know what is wrong with me I've been out of work for a few years now and I finally got a chance to enter a career path that I have been waiting for for years. A few weeks ago I was called by my county telling me that I have been accepted into my local city police academy. At first I was exited. Half of my family are police officers and it seemed like I couldnt go wrong with it.

Now as the day draws near I feel very panicked and anxious. Every morning I wake, puke, cry and get super nervous of the day I have to go in to academy. I'm a few days away now and I can barely sleep. I wake up shaking in the middle of the night almost like im terrified of it. I dont know what my problem is, if you could give me some advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you."

It's probably the fear of making it this far and then failing. A lot is riding on this, especially after being out of work for as long as you have. Add int he pressure you feel to excel due to your family consisting of so many police officers and it's no wonder you're thoroughly panicked. Just relax. I know that sounds cliche and obvious, but it's honestly all you can do. Try to stay away from stimulants such as caffeine for a while as they heighten anxiety.

Remember, even if you were to fail the first time around which is unlikely, you can still try again later. Your family wants you to succeed, they won't hold it against you if you don't succeed your first time through. It's not the end of the world. If you have to try a second time at least you're pretty much guaranteed to pass, as you'll know exactly what you need to do and how to achieve it.

I recommend talking to your family. They'll undoubtedly have a wealth of information and advice to offer you since they've been where you are before.You don't have to confess how nervous you are, but doing so may help. They'll probably tell you about how nervous they were when they got into the academy too. You aren't alone, don't forget that.

It'll be hard work and you'll have less free time for yourself, but it'll be worth it once you're gainfully employed and helping people.

Some things you can do in the meanwhile to chill out:

• Watch comedies. It's hard to be stressed out when you're laughing.
• Take a bath before bed time. People underestimate the power of a nice hot bath.
• Avoid stimulants such as caffeine. They'll only make your anxiety worse.
• Listen to your favorite musical artists. Music can take your mind off of many things.
• Do some research. Going in with a head start will boost your confidence level.

Self Mutilation

Today's advice was requested by a young man from Italy who we'll refer to henceforth as S. S asks:

"We recently found out my 13 yr old niece cuts herself. When her mom asks her where she got the cuts from, my niece says the pets scratched her. But we all know its not from the pets. Her dad was always away because he's in the navy and after affairs and marriage problems, her parents are now separated in the process of divorce.
 
She likes being by herself and watches tv shows like 1000 Ways to Die and stuff. I just thought she was in the angsty teenage stage of her life. I read online that cutting is due to emotional depression.

I'm not sure what to do but I know our family can probably handle this and make it go back to normal.Should we also seek professional help? We don't want to push her away or anything like that. "

 First there is something you should know about cutting: cutting is a coping mechanism. This means one may cut their self for a variety of reasons, not solely due to sadness or depression. Anger, anxiety, sadness, even joy in some cases. Cutters will often feel the compulsion to cut when faced with an outside stimuli they find too emotionally overwhelming to deal with internally. So they externalize their inner pain much in the way an artist or a musician would. Only the method of release they choose is destructive rather then constructive.

Not to trivialize it, but it is also comparable to when a young child who cannot yet understand the appropriate way to deal with anger might break their own toys. Or an exceptionally anxious person might bite their own nails.

Essentially the cutter doesn't know how else to deal with how they are feeling. To them, cutting is the only effective way they know of to improve their mood in times of distress. This makes getting them to see what they're doing as a bad thing difficult, because to them it is helping and helping has to be good, right? That said, they are aware that it isn't normal or acceptable behavior because they will go to great lengths to hide what they're doing from others. Either with concealing clothing or by lying about the origin of their scars. This implies that deep down they know there must be an alternative, they're just ill-prepared to accept it.

Which is why a professional's help is often required.

Try as you might to get her to see the error of her ways, familial advice is often viewed as judgmental. Which will inevitably provoke an adverse reaction. If you can even get her to admit to what she's doing in the first place. Telling a stranger you may never see again that you cut yourself is simple, telling someone who you'll see daily for the rest of your life that you cut yourself is not. You could try talking to her about methods you use for coping, just remember to broach the subject very carefully. You don't want to seem like you're accusing her of anything.

It sounds to me however that the entire immediate family could benefit from therapy given current circumstances. So family therapy may be a keen way to get her help without singling her out. Family therapy usually consists of a group session and several one-on-one sessions with a therapist so that the family can work on issues together and individually in private. In my opinion this would be the ideal approach to her cutting.

Sexual Violence In Her Past

Obligatory Disclaimer: This post is ideologically sensitive.

Today's advice was requested by a young man from the US who did not give his name. He asks:

"Hey,
Ok so earlier today my girlfriend dropped a pretty massive bombshell, that she was raped when she was eight years old. And it's just been swimming around in my head since she told me. I just don't know how I'm supposed to respond to something like that. I know that I'm not going to leave her or anything now that I know. But I just don't have a clue what the (expletive) I'm supposed to do with that knowledge in my head. I know that next time we're getting... intimate that it's just going to be hanging over my shoulder breathing down my neck and I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of it. Am I being selfish? I just don't know how to behave with her now."

Let's start with: you aren't being selfish. That is a pretty substantial piece of information and I doubt she expects you to know what to do with it any more than she knows how to deal with it herself. If she hasn't sought therapy regarding the incident, it would be wise for her to do so in the future, if not now. That isn't the sort of thing you can just walk away from and be perfectly fine. Despite the strong desire for that to be the case. She needs to talk about it and cope with it or it'll just fester in the background. Telling you may've been a start, but you're not equipped to handle this yourself no matter how understanding you are.

So why did she tell you? Many rape survivors feel the need to "confess" their past because once they get close to someone, they feel that those people can somehow tell. As if their past hovers over their head like a storm cloud announcing that something horrible happened to them. There are a lot of feelings of guilt attached to these events, even though the survivor did absolutely nothing wrong. This attaches feelings of guilt to present events, particularly not being honest about what they've been through. Who would ever want to be with someone that damaged? Plenty of people actually, but that isn't how many survivors perceive it. They view themselves as damaged goods and those who choose to be with them as doing so out of pity -- because everyone they tell immediately begins treating them differently. As if they are some fragile thing that will crack apart at any moment.

That is what you need to not do. She opened up to you about something very dark and emotional for her, but she did it for the sake of honesty. Not so that you knew to treat her more gently. She needs you to treat her the same as you did yesterday. Even if the news is eating away at you. It may be a good idea to see a therapist yourself, or even see a couple's therapist together. Feeling how you do now is natural. Over time you will realize she is still the same woman she was before and it won't lurk over you during intimacy. Remember that nothing has actually changed here. You should not feel guilty. This is something from her past. The way she views you isn't tarnished simply because you're also a man. She would not have told you if she thought you couldn't be trusted absolutely.

That said, don't avoid the subject, as that'll be obvious to her. Talk to her about it if she's open to the idea. Express how terrible it is that she had to go through that, but don't walk on egg shells around her. Ask her if she's gone for help and if she hasn't, offer to go with her if she'd prefer to not do it alone. If she is adamantly opposed to the idea of a therapist, let her know that's okay too. It's her choice. She may simply not be ready to take that step because it means confronting what happened to her head on. Truly coping with an event like that is more than letting people know it happened. It's facing it, standing up to it, and accepting that it happened to you through no fault of your own. It's a door many women, and even men, would rather just keep conveniently closed.

How To Start Conversation

Today's advice was requested by a young man from the US who we'll refer to henceforth as G. G asks:

"So...
I'm not sure how to strike up conversations girls I don't know. Or any girl for that matter. All of my friends are guys and none of them seem to have this problem but I'm too embarrassed to ask them for advice. Please help?

G"

I assure you at one point or another all of your guy friends were in the same boat as you. Talking to girls is intimidating. You're lead to believe from a young age that girls are somehow inherently different than boys. In reality that isn't very true, especially not over the age of six. Chances are you share at least one common interest with every girl you meet. They like all of the same things you do. Music, TV shows, movies, books, and maybe even video games. Gaming is a lot more popular these days. It's just a matter of what kind of music, which TV shows, etc., etc.

So what's the trick? Just approach every conversation as if you were talking to another guy. Maybe not as familiarly as you'd address your friends of course, but no differently than you'd speak to any other guy you met in class or at work or whatever. Start with a greeting and follow it up with something nonchalant like, "Have you heard the new Weezer album?" or, "Did you see what happened last night on Lost?" Bam! Instant conversation. What if she doesn't like Weezer or Lost? Brush it off and try to get her talking about why she should give them a try. Don't be forceful or obnoxious, but don't shy away from her if she doesn't happen to like the topic you started with. There are plenty of others to move on to.

Such as current events or the weather. These are extremely basic and timeless conversation starters. Warm-ups if you will. There is always something in the news worth talking about, even if it's how bad the news team is or how ridiculous the reporters hair looks. Also, there is always weather and something to say about it. Is it freaking cold? Has rain ruined your plans for the day? Maybe it's sunnier and nicer than it was supposed to be. All are easy ins for conversation with strangers, even girls.

When it truly comes down to it, girls and boys are the same. Once you realize this, approaching them becomes a lot less foreign and imposing.

Boyfriend Looks At Other Girls

Today's advice was requested by a girl from the US who we'll refer to henceforth as Miss J. Miss J asks:

"Hey Inari,
Is it normal for my long term boyfriend to look at other girls even when we're together? It makes me feel insecure. Like he wants them more than he wants me. I know that sounds silly because he is with me after all, but it's how it makes me feel. Should I confront him about it or just suck it up and leave it be?

Thanks,
Miss J"

First of all, Miss J, you aren't alone. I have dozens of private messages about pretty much the same thing from other women all across the globe. So don't feel silly for asking. Secondly, this seems like something guys do out of habit more than anything else. You shouldn't take it personally. That said, it is a little disrespectful for him to do it so blatantly while you are with him. I suggest you calmly tell him how it makes you feel when he does so. But do not be confrontational. He hasn't actually done anything wrong. He may not even realize he's doing it (a lot of guys don't) and he definitely isn't aware of your feelings on the manner. The only way for him to know it bothers you, is for you to tell him it bothers you.

Communication is paramount in all relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic. Failure to communicate your true feelings will result in countless misunderstandings that will put strain on the relationship and lead to resentment. Either yours towards him, his towards you, or both. You definitely don't want to resent the person you're supposed to love. So just open up to him. As long as you remain calm and rational about it, he should respond in kind. Remember, you aren't asking him never to look at another woman ever again. That's asking the impossible. You're simply asking him to tone it down when he's with you, because you should be his first priority.

If he over-reacts you may need to ask yourself where the relationship is headed. He has no reason to get defensive if he hasn't done anything wrong, which makes it seem like he has a guilty conscience about it for some reason. This eludes to the possibility that he isn't being honest with you about his intentions. I'm not saying that he may have cheated on you or is looking to cheat on you, but if he gets defensive about the mere mention of his behavior -- something is amiss. He should be capable of having a mature adult conversation without flying off the handle. If he can't, then he isn't ready for a mature adult relationship.

Hope it all works out,
Inari

RE: Boyfriend

"Hey again Inari,
I took your advice and talked to my boyfriend about his behavior and you were right. He didn't even realize he was doing it. He even apologized even though I told him he hadn't really done anything wrong, it just bothered me. I know talking to him about it seems like the obvious thing to do, but when you're feeling insecure and nervous I really didn't think it'd be so easy as that. Thanks!!

Miss J"

Daily Chores: A Simple Tip

Today's advice was requested by a man from the UK who we'll refer to henceforth as Mister K. Mister K asks:

"Dear Inari,
I find it hard to keep my flat clean. I try to clean it up once a week at least but the motivation to clean it up after six or seven days time is lacking. It just seems like too much to do, so I put it off constantly until it's been two whole weeks or more since I've cleaned house. I'm especially bad at getting the dishes done in any timely manner, putting it off until they're rank and I'm eating cereal out of a mug rather than a bowl because all the bowls are dirty. 

How can I get myself motivated to not do the things I want to do and do the things I need to do?

Regards,
Mister K."

My advice to you, Mister K is not to put off house work all week so you have to do it all at once. It is a common misconception that all people do their chores only once a week and I'm not sure where it came from. That prospect would be intimidating to anyone except the most dedicated neat freak.  Instead, try doing a thing or two daily so that by the end of the week your place is nice and tidy. Doing one or two small tasks per day won't seem like as much work in the long run. As an added bonus your apartment will never reach a state of, "definitely looks dirty now -- I should clean it ASAP."

As for the dishes, I only know one person who enjoys doing dishes and I think it's because she lives someplace boring and cold. So the task and the hot water are both boons to her. I, personally, despise dishes and would eat off of the floor with my hands if it were socially acceptable. Since it isn't, I find that doing the dishes as soon as you dirty them makes the chore less daunting, as you aren't forced to chisel week old oatmeal off of bowls to complete the task. At most, if I'm really just not in the mood to do them, I put them off until the following day. Never any longer because after twelve hours or so, they just become harder and harder to clean.

Hope that helps,
Inari

RE: Daily Chores

"Thanks Inari,
That advice worked out for me. I do a couple chores while waiting for tea and it seems much simpler to keep up with. It's also less embarrassing when surprise company pops over. Doing dishes daily sort of makes it feel like a constant never-ending task, but it is easier when you don't need to hammer old crusty food from your pots and pans.

Regards,
Mister K"

Introduction

Some of you (I'm betting most of you actually) know me from my other blog, Blognari, which follows my day-to-day happenings and general whimsy. I draw little pictures and take funny pokes at my own absurdity. This blog will be somewhat like that blog, since that's simply who I am, but it will be mostly about helping people. Because that's something I do. I help people; friends, family, strangers, it makes no difference to me. Questions about losing weight, relationships, sex, setting a budget, getting motivated, whatever the case may be. If you have a problem and need advice, I'll provide it to the best of my ability.

What's more, I'll do it discreetly. Despite the fact that I'll also be posting it publicly on the Internet for the world to see, I'll keep your identity private. Why post your questions at all? Well, because a lot of people can find a lot of comfort in simply knowing someone else has had their same problem. That some one else shares the same concerns. Be they big or small. Sometimes you do not need advice, you need the comfort of knowing others have tread where you are treading now and made it through okay.

Over the next month or so, I'll be going through my backlog of past advice and once it's all accurately been edited for privacy reasons, I'll be publishing them. After that, I'll start working on new material. Feel free to email me for advice at any time, however. Even if I'm not publishing new articles at the moment, I'm still here to help in the meanwhile. It should be noted that I am not an expert in any particular field. I do not hold a doctorate. I am not a licensed psychologist or health professional. What I am is someone with a wealth of life experience and the willingness to share it.

If I do not possess the personal experience to assist you with your particular problem, I'll speak with someone who does on your behalf and relay the insight. I'm definitely not shy.